I rarely blog here because I'm not on that much, and not that connected to most of the friends on my list.  Although sometimes it's nice because it's a quiet space where I know most people won't read it ;o)

Anyway - I'm not here much and don't plan on being here more. Probably the same amount as before.

But I have a new blog here - www.k8et.com - if anyone wants to stay in touch through that, or through myspace/flickr/any kind of network site (all the info is under "about me" at the top)

so there ya go.

It may appear as passivity to some, weakness, letting people walk all over me.

But the truth is that I'm a fighter. I'm a romantic and a dreamer, I believe the best in people, and I fight for them (for us) long after they seem to have given up.

Because love is never weak. Love is strong. Fear is weak. Staying out of fear, now that would be horrible. (Yes I have a tiny voice of fear inside me. Sometimes not so tiny. But it's not been my driving force through this time. I took the leap, the risk, out of love.)

I finally am giving up the fight. I'm tired of fighting for something (someone) when they are working against me, not with me. Many of my friends are thinking "Finally! It's about time." But for me, I have to fight and give until I have nothing left, or the situation is stagnant and I can't change it. Otherwise I wouldn't be who I am.

So yes, it's time for love of myself to win out over trying to fix something that needs two people to fix, no matter how much I love him. And it's not overdue, it's perfect timing.

Out of the darkness a new light is born today. The sun will return and stay longer and longer each day. Hope for joy and peace and a bright future returns.

My heart is breaking, for myself, and for him. Yet at the same time, I feel a deep sense of peace and know it's the right time, the right choice. (I may need to be reminded of that in my weaker moments...)


A blessed solstice to all, and I wish you peace and joy.



The only thing to be done now,
now that the waves of our undoing have begun to strike on us,
is to contain ourselves.

To keep still, and let the wreckage of ourselves go,
let everything go, as the wave smashes us.
Yet keep still, and hold
the tiny grain of something that no wave can wash away,
not even the most massive wave of destiny.

Among all the smashed debris of myself
keep quiet, and wait.
For the word is Resurrection.
And even the sea of seas will have to give up its dead.

-Be Still!, D. H. Lawrence

"Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it... It really is worth fighting for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you don't risk everything, you risk even more." Erica Jong Off to burning man tomorrow for a week in the desert. for dust, heat, art, music, people, miracles, magic, fire, inspiration, mourning, special connections, and just hopefully some clarification on this crazy little thing called love. and what men think/mean. HA! yeah i know that's the great mystery isn't it. (a special guy in my life who is going through a lot of stuff on his end, and we're trying to explore us but he needs some space to sort that stuff out first, just said "love you" at the end of a call. i have no idea if it was love or Love. a friend comment or more. I just don't know...... but this quote reminds me of why i'm taking this risk.)

i'm not as strong as you seem to think i am. or as grounded. or sane.

i have trouble taking compliments because deep down i don't believe it myself.

i need someone to lean on, depend on. i'm not great at taking care of myself even though i appear strong and self sufficiant.

i've built walls around myself. out of fear, out of past hurts, from loves and from friends. with you i feel them crumble, and it scares me.

i'm scared that i'll always want more than you can give.

i'm scared to trust myself, to trust you. but i do trust you, with my life, and that you would never do anything intentionally to hurt me. it's just that the way you live and love, i fear that i may not be able to be content with that. that i may not feel enough love, affection, reassurance, time together. i fear that this is doomed before it starts, and it will hurt more than it ever has before.

i'm scared to express my needs. scared you'll see the real me, and that it isn't who you want to see.

i'm scared to ask for more. i'm scared both of you saying yes, and no.

yes, i am jealous, and part of me wishes i could be enough for you. (but i accept that things are the way they are, and i would never ask you to change that.) and i'm having trouble accepting that it's not a reflection of anything that i'm lacking.  i told you, i don't believe in myself. (maybe i'm the one that's not ready, and need to love myself before anyone else. i don't know.)

but sometimes just for a moment, i believe you. what you say. what you see. what you do. how i feel with you.

and those moments are worth all the stress i cause myself over trying to define this, trying to reach out and ask for more without being overbearing or scaring you away.

and i know, that as confusing and topsy turvy as this is in my life, other things in your life are more complicated and need attention right now. and i don't want to deny you the right or the time to sort them out.

i just want to stop living in fear. of myself, my feelings, my heart, the future.

but i don't know how.

"To fear what might be is to ignore what is."

i'm trying to live in the moment. it's just that in the moments without you that's much easier said than done.... and every moment you are in my mind and my heart.

Forgive me for the sappiness, I may still be running on too little sleep and too much caffeine. But I have some ramblings in my head that need to get out. ;o)


As we turned around a bend in a road, for the first time we could see our destination in the distance. Rocky mountains and desert brush gave way to a wide flat area where a temporary city had been built.  A black smoke ring rose from the city and floated up in the air, above the dust trails from cars and the city of tents.  Inching closer, we could see the figure of a wooden man standing taller than anything else in the city.

At this moment, I remember thinking, what have I gotten myself into.

I am in the middle of the desert in Nevada, traveling with someone I only met in person two days ago. I'm usually a pretty self reliant traveller, but she is providing my transportation and lodging, and there's no escape route if I need to run away to civilization, a shower or air conditioning. Oh, and I'm not that much of a camper either.

Luckily, my hostess and I hit it off better than I could have ever hoped for.  We know each other from an online community, and while I had met some wonderful friends from that source it was a risk to spend so much time with someone I never met.  While shopping for supplies and driving from Reno, we felt an immediate kinship.

So as I feel sudden dread at the sight of our home for the next week, she asked me what I was thinking. I said something along the lines of feeling like I was going down the rabbit hole and not knowing where it would lead me.  Excitement overcame the nervousness and we were greeted at the entrance to Black Rock City with a hearty "Welcome Home" by a guy wearing a hat and a messenger bag, and.... nothing else.  He dared me to roll on the playa (the dry lakebed that hosts the city, an alkali dust that WILL get everywhere) and not one to turn down a dare, I made a playa angel.

As it was my first time, I was able to ring the virgin bell and proclaim my arrival to my new home. Did it ever feel like home? It felt like a wonderful magical world, which I knew would never last -- thankfully, somewhat, because I am not nomadic enough to live without modern conveniences.  It was like running away and joining a circus, as I sat in Center Camp watching performers just having fun.  It was better than Cirque du Soleil! 

I entered another world for a week, another planet, or galaxy.  When we left it was with mixed feelings of sadness and anxiousness to get back to real world comforts.  It took a long time to get used to going back to work, and not seeing crazy unexpected things at every corner.  Like waking from a dream that you try to go back to, and never quite can succeed.

I started looking into regional events closer to home.  Playa del Fuego (PDF) was a regional burn closest to me, held twice a year in Delaware. I went the spring after my first Burning Man, not knowing a soul, but after a week stuck in the middle of the desert, how scary can a weekend 15 minutes from a Dunkin Donuts be?  I volunteered as a greeter, camped with Camp Jersey (a loosely organized group of people from New Jersey), and got to know some camp neighbors.

Greeters at PDF also say "Welcome Home" when you arrive. But it was still all so new. I thought I "got it", but I realize I still felt like I only had a traveler's visa to this strange country.

I made new local friends, and started doing more things with them. From parties in the summer and at New Years, to the fall and next spring PDF, the mermaid parade in Coney Island, any excuse to dress up and have fun.  I started to be interested in poi, or fire spinning (although if you asked me a year ago I would have said I'll NEVER do fire, just the glow toys!) and drove to Philly to take poi classes.  This spring, I took the plunge and spun fire for the first time, and went to a weekend of fire arts classes and fun called Wildfire.

It used to be really hard for me to go out and meet large groups of people I didn't know, but I started to get used to expecting the unexpected, and knew at these events that there were no strangers, only friends who haven't met yet. It started feeling comfortable, less like this was a one week event in the desert, and that it could almost be a full time way of life.

Despite going to Philly for poi classes and some spin jams, I had never made it to their large parties. I'm not a raver, and oontz-oontz music was never my thing. (Although since Burning Man, that sound, like tarps in the wind, is not a nuisance but nostalgic!)  So when I planned to go to their 777 "Recompression" party, I half expected that it would be fun but not really my scene, but there's always fire performers to watch and drinks to drink! 

I helped a little with set up, and was the first greeter of the night as people in costumes started showing up at the door. About every ten minutes, someone I know would arrive, and there would be hugs and kisses and spankings for those who love them, and people I didn't even know greeted me by name.  While I'm getting used to seeing the Jersey folks more often, I don't see the Camp Sexy Rochester crew except for PDF, or Chad and the other Boston people that I just met at Wildfire.  With a friend of mine that I've known for years (who is a burner at heart but never attended any kind of burn event) standing by me, I felt like my various worlds were colliding. (You know that feeling when people you know from work, high school, college, etc. suddenly are talking to each other at a party you throw? That kind of feeling.)  And it felt good.

It makes sense now.  Yes, at BM and PDF, you are welcomed home, and those events are starting to feel like a home not a vacation.

But the true meaning of the word home is the people.  This "new" home is not a place, it's not an event that you buy a ticket to get into, and leave when you pack up your car.  You carry it with you where ever you go.

My home is this amazing network of friends and friends who I haven't met yet, who delight and surprise me at every turn, who accept and support me, who are genuine and good and amazing authentic people.  Whose hearts burn bright with love, not of just a wooden man in the desert, or an annual camping trip.  But a love for the amazing connections between all of us, who are, and what we can be.

Welcome home. We've always been here, even if we didn't realize it.

 

 

 

 

ETA:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QrdnLQv4VSI

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ofo9oBgzBkU

It’s hard to let people in when routinely something you do or say unwittingly drives them away.

It’s hard to not build a wall, if no one comes in, no one will leave.

It’s hard to look for the good, when people keep showing the bad.

It’s easy for some to let it all slide and keep moving on. But I worry and fret and I get sad that my existence is causing them discomfort. That I am an imposition. Beyond I’m not cool enough or good enough to be their friend, to the point where I am a pest.

Yeah, I’m overly sensitive. And paranoid at times. But is it too much to want to hang out with people that want me to be there, and not just put up with me? And to ask to have a civil discussion about something rather than act like you are in 5th grade?

At this point, I want to hear truth. However bad it is. Really. Don’t spare my feelings. Because right now? What I’m thinking about in my head? It is so much worse than ANYTHING you may be thinking.

How could I have caused such drama by just existing? If just breathing the same air is such a problem for you, maybe I should just stop and save us both the pain.

I have had a rough month.

May 1, I moved to a new department at work with a different boss (my old one left the company), we were just starting with all the changes due to our company being bought by another, and I had to put my cat Pele to sleep.

For most of the month of May, I was pretty depressed. I struggle somewhat with it to start, and it was just not a good combination of change/grief.  What helped turn it around was Playa Del Fuego.  

It's a regional Burning Man event held twice a year in Delaware. It was my third time. 

850 people gathered to make art, music, friends... despite hot muggy days and bugs from hell (horseflies to no-see-ums to mosquitos), it was an amazing time.

I've been practicing poi (fire spinning, with non-fire toys) for about a year, only a few months seriously though. Friday night, at PDF, I lit up for the first time.  Despite hitting myself on the head, (which was covered in a bandana and sprayed with water!) and singing a few arm hairs off, it was the most amazing emotional experience. I was shaking by the time i was done, and crying (good crying) from the adrenaline rush.  I was surrounded by friends and congratulated, and by a few strangers who had no idea it was my first time.  

Two nights later, the big "burn" of the pony artwork - we were getting ready for a fun night when lightening is flashing in the distance. Our whole camp hurried to get loose items put away and stake down rain flies and shade structures as the wind picked up. The rain and thunder rolled in and we all held on!  as the wind subsided, one of my campmates decides to go run in the storm and dance. I followed.  The stage still had a DJ playing songs, and the pavilion was full of people hanging out and drumming in the largest dry/safe place.  And my friend and I ran around, in the thunder and lightening!  My long sundress weighed about 10 pounds soaking wet, and since nudity is pretty normal at PDF but I normally don't have to guts in the daylight, I took it off and ran around in nothing. We cavorted and frolicked while those under the pavilion probably feared for our safety ;o)  but my dance partner had been struck by lightening once years ago. (did that increase or decrease our chances? who knows....)

No one knew what to expect of the big burn that was planned. But the rain stopped, they lit the pony and the fire dancers/spinners performed around it to the sound of drumming and thunder, and soon there was a blaze so large that not even the second round of rain could put a dent in it.




So now - Tomorrow I go to Conneticut for Wildfire, a weekend of fire arts workshops and fun. I expect to play more with fire, learn a lot, and be VERY sore! 

I should be more happy. But I'm stressed. As friends in one online group call it, I have a major onion peel going on.  Sunday I find out a friend is somewhat upset with me. I tried to discuss it, since it's mostly just miscommunications, but she's not very willing.  In July we are both going on a group vacation to California, and she lives two towns from me. But it's clear now that I should book a different plane than her.  I'm sad, disappointed, and going through a lot of issues with self-worth.  I've lost several friends in the past few years, starting with the person who was my best friend through high school and college, and each time it brings up that pain. Even when it's clear that it's the other person's issues, I still feel like there's something wrong with me.

And yesterday, just two days after that, I find out that one of the people in our circle of friends who goes to PDF and Wildfire, is mad at me and I have no idea why.  So, now I have two trips that I'm not enjoying looking forward to, because of someone else.  I want to just hang out with them and pretend I don't know, but I do. And being as sensitive as I am, I can't just shrug it off and enjoy myself. So I'm not sure what to do. But I plan on having my own space, and hanging with them when I want. (Luckily I'm not sleeping there but at a friend's who lives nearby. Or in my car. We'll see! LOL)

So I'm doing a lot of onion peeling. Trying to avoid the self doubt and ego of "what's wrong with me" (even though I think it at times) and ask "what's the universe trying to teach me?" 

and I have no clue. It's obviously something important, as the Universe is just getting louder. 

In the meantime.....  burn on.






 

An Interview for Zaadz with Charlotte Martin
by Katie Thomson


The first time I saw Charlotte Martin perform, I was towards the back of a crowded concert venue. Yet this petite girl at a keyboard had an energy that could reach a crowd of any size, and strike right into the heart of each and every person. Since then, I've seen her perform countless times and she never fails to deliver an intimate, soul touching performance.

While her background is in opera, and her first full length album On Your Shore featured her piano and an orchestra, her music has grown and developed its own unique sound as she left behind the major music labels and made her own path. Still her lyrics and emotional intensity cut through the drums and electronic instruments to connect with listeners on a deeper level.

Shortly after discovering Zaadz.com, I gave her the "Think-arete" manifesto that came in my ambassador's kit and it sparked a conversation about Zaadz, the purpose behind it, and how that purpose/message is so similar to Charlotte's work - especially her latest album, Stromata. In an effort to bring together those who are connected through her music, and those who are connecting through Zaadz, I asked Charlotte to answer a few questions.

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You recently released your second full length album, Stromata. In interviews you mention the title and the theme are about how we are all connected to one another. Can you please elaborate some more on this?

Charlotte Martin: I am extremely fascinated with people. That's why I do what I do. I tried to be a hermit years ago and it made me realize how much we need each other, even if it's only for certain periods in each other's lives. That is also worth analyzing. It's something that we'll be able to write about until the end of the end here on this planet. We love, hate, abandon, adore, obsess, kill, resurrect all kinds of souls in the journey that is a life-this is what keeps me searching. I also discover and am enriched so much in this journey, and am also hurt and misunderstood. I feel like Stromata is much more an outreach than any work I've done in the past. I feel like this record is taking my lovers and friends and fans to this planet where we all had it out and then orbited back to earth to tell everyone about it...and learn from ourselves.


How critical is it for us to connect to one another as humans - on perhaps a higher level than sometimes we are used to?

CM: We were made to love each other. And hate is not that far away from love. The human spirit is fascinating. What people go through, it is a very unique path each one of us walks down. No one ever lives the same life, has the same view points. I mean when you really think about how all 6 billion of us are SO different, that will blow your mind right there. You never run out of people that will touch you or you could touch. You never know what will affect a person's life - we all have a responsibility to our planet and to our friends, to love them. Period. End of story. I'm not talking about loving people when their perfect or when they agree because that never happens. 'Doing unto others as you would have them do unto you' is an easy statement to say and a difficult thing to do when you get right down to it.


What are some methods for someone who is not a musician, in the public eye as you are, to try experience this connection with others?

CM: My whole message is about acceptance and tolerance, as well as forgiveness. Even though I've been deeply hurt by people in my life, that doesn't mean I would ever give up on them. I have hurt people in return. The point is we keep going forward, we keep trying to love our friends with pure motives, and we keep enjoying and seeing the beauty in people's differences. There is just no point in killing each other. I don't understand it. We have to stop it. We have to save people. Whether we realize it or not, we are touching people in our corners of our own worlds. When I lay my head down at the end of this life...which could be tonight or 40 years from now, I want to make sure I've enjoyed every day, and every single person in my life.


Your first introduction to Zaadz was reading the booklet/manifesto "Think-arete" by the CEO of Zaadz, Brian Johnson. What were your reactions and your thoughts after reading it?

CM: I read it before I played my Philly show in September. I cried. It zoomed right between my eyes and burnt a hole in my brain and began to drain into my heart. And here we are. Everyone needs to have this booklet.


Zaadz is a social networking site with a higher cause - to change the world. It's for "people CRAZY enough to think they can change the world, Courageous enough to do something about it, AND Committed enough to stick to it when they feel like giving up." When I first mentioned this site to you, you immediately understood and said you were "there". Have you had a chance to visit the site? What are your thoughts? Tell me what excites you about this, and how it relates to the themes in Stromata.

CM: I think Zaadz and Stromatas are going to take over the planet with our positive energy and value of human life. I am crazy enough to want to change the world. I have been to the website. It's scary how much in sync we are...SCARY! :)


Some of your music is very dark, and explores the shadows we are often afraid to face. How does this process help you - and your listeners - grow and heal and move on from the dark places? Why is it important to explore this side?

CM: The dark nights in my life are the times when I incubated and changed. They were the important periods that made me 'realize' myself...my life...my heart and pulled out motives and wrinkles that I was afraid to see in the daylight. Everyone has parts of their life they would rather not have anyone know about. When I turn the lights out on myself, I am able to face things and dig them out to really look at them. Then the healing starts. You have to go inside or you'll never understand the reasons.


Your music is at times a lifeline to people who are struggling with depression or other battles. How does this affect the relationship and connections between you and your listeners?

CM: We have a pretty intense relationship. We are closer than maybe a lot of fans and musicians might be. But I wouldn't have it any other way. I read every letter, card, painting, word tree-I keep them all. I keep everyone very close to me.


Who are some of your heroes and favorite teachers in your life? How have
they affected your life journey?

CM: My mom and dad are really wise. Of course I didn't figure this out for a few years...but I am my parents. Mini Joe and Becky. I'm proud. They are selfless amazing artists that have so much love and experience. Also my voice teacher Jody Kienzler is probably one of the biggest reasons I am doing music professionally. She believed in me when I was a little scared 7 year old girl, and she believed in me when I said I was going to study opera, and she continues to believe now that I compose and tour. She IS music. And she is all about sharing it with her students. Her goal is for her students to surpass her.


What are your future goals with your music on a higher level, beyond creativity and making a living?

CM: I really want to go on a mission trip. I would like to go to orphanages and hold the babies and children, help build schools, work at feeding centers...do whatever is needed. In the meantime, I'm doing what I can here in the states to raise funds and awareness for AIDS research and housing and for Save Darfur.


What's one thing you hope people will take away from your music, how
do you want to affect their life?

CM: I hope they have a reason to love other people. I hope this music helps them heal themselves so they can move outside there own hurts and help others. It doesn't get any more important than this in my opinion. Whether they know it or not, my listeners are continually healing me.


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Visit Charlotte on the web:  
http://www.charlottemartin.com/  
www.myspace.com/charlottemartin
Dinosaur Fight Records

Join the Zaadz revolution!  http://www.zaadz.com/

Read the "Think-arete" Manifesto:  www.thinkarete.com/wisdom/works/manifesto/

Photos: Erin Russell Photography  www.erinrussell.com/

An Interview for Zaadz with Charlotte Martin, by Katie Thomson 
Copyright Katie Thomson 2006
Please include ALL credits and links if you share this interview elsewhere. Thank you!
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Charlotte Martin's Video, "Stromata"

i.you.we. char's latest album stromata is all about connections, you, me, our energy, our love.  i saw her perform several times over this weekend and the one time i had a chance to really chat, she thanked me for my present - a bag of all sorts of goodies, and at the last minute i threw in the "thinkarete" that i got for signing up to be a zaadz ambassador. she said she loved it so much, she almost took it on stage with her to read to the audience!  I told her what zaadz is about, and she was really excited. maybe we'll see her around!